We get it. He sweeps you off your feet, he says all the right things, and he’s universally not bad to look at. But you get this nagging feeling about introducing him to your family and friends. You’re concerned about how he’ll act, the impression he’ll make, or how he’ll be received. Or maybe you’ve crossed that point, and your loved ones have collectively responded with a resounding, “No!” Dating the guy you can’t take home or no one in your life approves of is a big red (screaming) flag. As Sabrina Carpenter would say in her wildly popular new song, “Please, Please, Please”: “I know I have good judgment, I know I have good taste. It’s funny and it’s ironic that only I feel that way.”
You may hate to confront it, but sometimes, yes, your judgment is a little impaired. Yes, the people who love you do have your best interests at heart…and he’s not it. Maybe he’s fun, but his kind of fun is staying at bars until two am or wreaking havoc across town. He’s funny, but his humor is crude; he’s a total foul mouth if you’re being honest. Maybe he’s handsome and charming, but maybe he uses that to his advantage deceptively. Like any magician, this kind of man can pull you in with all his tricks only to show you the reality of who he is: Barry Keoghan. (Kidding, but really.)
Here are three signs that you’re dating––let’s just say it––the wrong guy, and it’s time for you to reevaluate your relationship. As well as some green flags to be looking for in the right guy.
Signs You’re Dating the Wrong Guy
1. It’s all a thrill
Many women will say the reason they started dating a guy that wasn’t right for them was because he was “exciting.” He made them do things they’ve never done before; take risks they never would take. “Exciting” is not sustainable. You’ve heard the phrase, “The flame that burns twice as bright lasts half as long.” Simply meaning, when something starts out too fast and hot, most likely, it will die just as quickly and singe you in the process. It’s okay to seek passion in a relationship, after all relationships do usually start with physical attraction and undeniable chemistry, but your heart may be running ahead of your head. Ask yourself: Do you see this relationship being sustainable? Will it last a year, years, or is it likely just a situationship? If you’re not sure, you may just be in it for the thrill.
2. You find yourself defending him
You may think that the guy you’re dating is “just different, and everyone makes mistakes,” (to quote Ms. Carpenter again), but you’re noticing more and more that you’re not only having to give people a reason to excuse his bad behavior, but you’re also justifying your part in the relationship. Not only are you his girlfriend, you’re also his lawyer. No one is perfect, we know, an instance or two can certainly be forgiven. But if you’re now tolerating a repeated pattern of questionable actions and behaviors, you’re an accessory to his crimes.
Whether you know what your loved ones are talking about––you see it yourself––or you’re completely blind to his actions, failing to own up to it or address it with your partner is a sign: he’s the wrong guy. This may even lead to you pushing away family or friends or cutting them off completely, so you don’t have to hear what you already know deep down inside.
3. He’s changing you
At first, he made you feel sexy. He made you feel confident. Then maybe it was a suggestion about how you did your hair, or the clothes that you wear. He told you there was no harm in having a little fun and on top of that, showed you one heck of a good time. His influence on you is so strong that he’s made you believe these changes were for the good. But when you look at yourself in the mirror, you don’t quite see the same woman. Something is off. You’re talking like him, hanging out with his friends over yours, prioritizing his plans, compromising everything you once held firm to––those old standards of yours look stupid compared to what he has to offer.
Not only is this a sign that you’re dating the wrong guy, but you may also be in an abusive relationship. What’s worse: everyone around you can confirm you’ve changed, and it’s because of him. But of course, to admit they’re right, is to admit you’re wrong about the person you chose. And that something must be done about it.
So Now, What Do You Do?
If he’s living up to all the things you were worried about, proven exactly why you can’t bring him home, or if you’re stuck in a world that revolves around him, then it’s time to pull the plug. The fantasy needs to end. You need to burst that bubble. Whatever phrase you think suits your situation. The important thing to know is this: bad boys are “bad” because they’re not good. Yes, that’s oversimplified, but there’s a reason why we’ve dated a bad boy. Maybe to scratch an itch, maybe because we thought we could fix him, or maybe because of our defiance.
Ultimately, it’s led us to better decisions of who we date and let into our lives. The biggest test of whether someone is right for you or not is to see what the trusted people in your life think of them. They have an outside (clearer) perspective and can objectively discern if this person qualifies for you—someone they truly care about.
Green Flags To Look For In The Next Guy
1. He’s as stable as a table.
Sure, the spontaneous guy is fun for a while, but how long can he keep you on your toes before you fall over? Look for someone with stability. A stable job, a stable group of friends, a stable outlook on life. A guy who isn’t just in it for the “now” but for the future. Someone who can take responsibility and when push comes to shove, will endure whatever struggle you’re going through. What you’ll realize if you’re dating someone who isn’t stable, is they never want to take accountability and would rather run away from a problem than stay and work through it. Stability isn’t boring. Stability is great if you realize that it means you’ll always have someone you can rely on; who will be there even when times get tough.
2. He wants you AND your people.
You know what they say about marriage, right? You don’t just marry the person; you marry their entire family. This whole article can be summed up in one sentence: If a man wants to be with you, he wants to be with your people, too. Usually, the wrong guy will delay meeting your family or friends for as long as he can. He’ll come up with all sorts of excuses not to make that dinner at your parents’ house or will do so but only with a sheer amount of reluctance. The right guy will WANT to meet your family. Why? They get to know you better in the process. They WANT to make a good impression. Because if they can get dad and mom’s nod of approval, then the better chance they have at the long-haul with you.
3. Your people love him, too.
There’s nothing like bringing home someone you really love or may think is “the one” and hearing your mom say in the kitchen over dishes, “I really like him for you.” That reassurance and approval is what you’ve been holding your breath for. Because in this case, your judgement was not impaired, and not only do you feel this way. Your family, your friends, everyone who matters in your life, genuinely likes this guy. They want you to bring him around more often. They can clearly see he means well, that he makes you happy, and is good for you.
But…The First Impression Doesn’t Always Count.
Now, sometimes, some guys just get off on the wrong foot. Maybe they were nervous or overcompensating and rubbed your folks or friends the wrong way. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll be susceptible to feedback; he’ll want to know how he came across or what he might have done that didn’t leave a good taste in people’s mouths. That right there is a sign of humility, and is yes, a green flag.
None of us are super comfortable meeting the intimidating kin that we’ve heard so much about but have no idea what to expect from. As much as we try to just “be ourselves,” in an effort to put the right foot forward, we can still accidentally take three steps back. A person who can acknowledge this and try again is a keeper. If your family and friends genuinely want you to be with the right person and this guy you’ve introduced is showing some potential, then he’s worth the reintroduction, so to speak.
And sometimes, the people in your life could also be wrong. You can’t base an entire decision about a relationship on what someone said because they were either A. being a little too judgmental, B. jealous, or C. casting their personal reasons or expectations onto you. If they truly care, they will be objective with their feedback, cite examples of what they mean, and will leave the decision up to you.
Please, Please, Please…Choose Wisely.
In conclusion, if you are dating the right guy, then you won’t have a second thought about him meeting your loved ones. If you’re dating the right guy, he’s just as excited to meet them, too! But if you’re hiding the relationship or having doubts about it––there’s just something in your gut telling you that the concerns of others are valid and that you should be concerned, too, this is your sign to please, please, please stop dating the guy and find someone not only you, but those around you, will approve of.
Throuples?! What are your thoughts? Read next: Should You Have Multiple Sexual Partners?
